I Can't STAND it Anymore!!!!!

Original Publishing Date Unknown

I've sat through as much of it as I can! You people are going to learn this if it takes me the rest of my life!

Here's the scenario. You're sitting in a restaurant with a friend or two. Your burgers and fries arrive. All eyes dart around the table and land on the bottle of Heinz Tomato Ketchup that stands inches away. With a quiver of 'anticipation' you go for the bottle. However, in the igno-second that it takes for the electric impulses to race from your brain to your arm telling it to reach for the above-mentioned condiment, another member of your party snatches the object of your desire from your midst and lazily untwists the cap. Much to your dismay you observe that this is a new container of the coveted sauce (one of 57 varieties I might add!), full to the brim, and you sink, slowly, into the Naugahyde. You know what's coming.

Meanwhile, your table-mate turns the bottle 180 degrees from where it had previously rested holding it at an exact 90 degree angle, perpendicular to the plate and waits and waits and waits. After several fruitless minutes (tomatoes are a fruit, aren't they?), he/she begins to shake the stubborn container halfheartedly. This goes on for several more minutes. In time, the shaking becomes more vigorous, first with one hand and then with both. A fever pitch ensues. You massage your sweating temples as sharp repetitive blows are delivered, full palm, to the flat end of the stubborn container. Still nothing exits the mouth of the bottle, (which is more than I can say for the perpetrator, who's own mouth is beginning to flow with obscenities aimed directly at the innocent vessel). "Tap it on the side!" one helpful patron suggests. "Don't shake, jiggle!" chastises another as your anxiety level swells.

By now your meal has long since turned cold. Your French fries lay limp and as ashen gray as your face. Your teeth are clenched and your stomach is in knots as you hear the last, bloodcurdling suggestion from another diner, "Why don' cha just stick a knife up there an' scoop it out?" With that you realize that all is lost and seconds later, the deed is done. You' re handed a grossly defiled bottle, it's contents smeared and running slowly down its neck like Hollywood blood from some ghastly wound. Your mind reels. What a crime. What a pity. What a waste. When will this senselessness end?!!

And senselessness it is! People, it's very simple. Just listen to me and all you condiment crises will be over. Through careful observation and exhaustive research I have found that the contents of a Ketchup bottle, (I don't know if this holds true for Catsup) cannot come out if air is not getting in. Therefore, holding the bottle directly perpendicular to the plate is defeating the purpose in that the contents blocks the flow of air from getting into the container. Shaking doesn't help either; it only causes the Ketchup to further block the airflow. Simply, hold the container at a 45-degree or lesser angle from the table and gently, but firmly, jiggle it letting air in and ketchup out. That's all there is to it. Sure, the knife solution works by the same principle, however my suggestion is less invasive, less time consuming and far less messy. I realize that many people are very reticent to let go of old condiment habits, but I know that my solution works. I pray you try it and see. Thank you and...................

"Back to the cupboard with 'ya now",

Dave Pruiksma