"Kiddie Fodder"

(Original Publishing Date Unknown)

Upon the passing of another birthday, I settled back one night and began to take stock of a lifetime of contributions that have brought me to where I am today. I mean, if "Wonder Bread builds strong bodies 12 ways", what happened?

I was weaned on a steady diet of pop culture from music to television, from film and literature right down to the food I put in my mouth. And it is the idea of that food, introduced and hyped in our formative years, that I regard with a great sense of wonder and awe.

To my mind, the launch of the TV dinner in the mid to late '50s began a staggering avalanche of fun and convenient foods aimed directly at the innocent younger generation (us), and over the years I have kept alive the memory of many of these foods with the help of friends of a similar vintage who share my fascination and reverence. In fact, we talk with much affection of these comestibles of a by-gone era. For those of you who may have forgotten or perhaps completely missed the times of which I speak I have listed for you below the 5 basic food groups as recognized by every red-blooded American kid of the '60s and '70s:

Sugar:

"Hawaiian Punch"--This bright red, "fruit-juicy" drink was a real favorite of mine. Now, I don't know if I tasted "7 kinds of fruit", but all I really wanted was all that sugar and the red dye #6 anyway.

"Pixie Stix"-- No beating around the bush, (or sugar cane as the case may be) "Pixie Stix" were great! They were long, waxy, paper straws filled with colored, flavored, granulated sugar. Just rip open one end and try to dump it all out onto your tongue before the opening clogs with crystalline cholesterol. Pixie Stix were pure energy, pure fun and pure sucrose. What more could you want in a candy?

"Nik-L-Nips"--A unique concept and an inspired use of paraffin wax. "Nik L Nips" were tiny wax soda bottles in a cardboard carton filled with colored syrups. They were a nickel and you nipped off the top to get to the sugary liquid inside, hence the name,"Nik-L-Nips". Get it?

"Marshmallow Fluff"--Sort of like wet cotton candy, "Fluff" was basically a jar of soft, spreadable marshmallow creme. In fact, due to its amazing spreadable property, it was the essential ingredient in the fabulous "Fluffer-Nutter" sandwich, (a peanut butter sandwich on white bread with 1/2 an inch of creamy Marshmallow Fluff). Quick! What goes with anything? Sugar!!!

Salt:

"Geno's Pizza Rolls"--A party favorite of young and pre-teens. This handy snack could not only be ingested, but doubled nicely as a projectile to be hurled at the girl's side of the room, causing them to scream in mock terror as they ran over towards the boy's side for protection. Hey, we guys knew that a couple of these babies, carefully aimed, could create hormonal pandemonium that might even lead to a rousing game of spin the bottle. Sigh!

"Bugles, Buttons and Bows"--In the mid 1960s, General Mills entered the snack food market with these greasy, salty little corn nuggets. Each had a slightly different flavor. There were BBQ, cheese and regular flavors. The buttons looked like buttons, the bows like bows, the bugles, however, never quite hit the representational mark each looking more like a tiny corn pancreas than a horn. But, ironically, "Bugles" remain the only one of the three original styles still available at your local supermarket. Perhaps if "Buttons" and "Bows" had been fashioned to look more like tiny livers and spleens they might still be around too, but that is more than I can stomach.

Personality:

"Funny Face"--Goofy Grape, Loud Mouth Lime, Chinese Cherry, and Injun Orange were only a few of the politically incorrect stereotypical personas lent to Pillsbury's answer to the popular Kool-Aid drink mixes of the day. The TV ads were strange. Goofy Grape was insane, (you could tell by the oversized Napoleon's hat he sported). Loud Mouth Lime was a big windbag, and Chinese Cherry looked like....... uh........ Well, let's just say that, soon after "Funny Face" was introduced, Chinese Cherry and Injun Orange were changed to Choo-Choo and Jolly Ollie, respectively. Soon after that "Funny Face" went into oblivion. Hey, if you can't take the heat, Pillsbury...........

"Froot Loops"--From the beginning Kellogg's hit upon cartoon cereals aimed at kids. One of the biggest of these was "Froot Loops" which featured a toucan with a huge Technicolored proboscis and an inexplicable English accent. This bird would let his sense of smell lead him to fruit flavors. Coincidentally the fruit flavors found in "Fruit Loops" cereal. Curiously, for a brief period of time early on, the toucan had a couple of mischievous nephews in baby bonnets and diapers that tried to get the fruit loops away from him. And for some strange reason everyone in these ads referred to the cereal as "Ootfray Oopslay", which is Pig Latin for "Fruit Loops". To tell the story now you'd think this stuff would have faded into the ethers years ago, but "Fruit Loops" continues to be a popular favorite to this day. What's their secret? Nobody Nose.

"Quisp" and "Quake"--True to the American spirit of competition Quisp and Quake were in a constant quest to quench the public's appetite for the perfect crispy, (quispy?) corn cereal. Quisp was an eccentric alien with big googly eyes, a propeller on his head and a "sing-songy", Jerry Lewis type voice, while Quake was a brawny miner who appeared to strip mine his namesake cereal from the earth's core by the truckload. Their friendly rivalry went on for years until finally the American cereal buying public was called in to cast their vote and put an end to this discrepancy. Even Quake's recent makeover into a dashing caped Australian with a wide brimmed Aussie hat couldn't save him from the axe and soon Quake joined the likes of "King Vitamin" and "Mr. Wonderful Surprise" in that great big pantry in the sky.

"Capn' Crunch"--Breakfast just never got better than this, save for the later addition of "Crunch Berries". Not only was the cereal terrific, but the animated ads, (animated by none other than Jay Ward) were priceless. The character of the kind hearted Capn', (as voiced by the inimitable Dawes Butler) was pure gold, much like the cereal. Golden in color with a sugary, buttery flavor that kids really went for. I used to try to beat my big brother to the kitchen in the morning to get a bowl full before he came down, punched me out of the way and finished off the box. Sometimes I'd have to get up as early as 6 am on Saturday morning, but it was worth it to sit down in front of the blue/gray glow of the Magnavox. Just me, George Jetson, Top Cat, and the Capn', stayin' crispy.... even in milk.

Convenience:

"Shake-a-Puddin'"--Chocolate, Vanilla or Banana. Just put it in the shaker cup, add water, shake and in minutes you'd have a creamy treat. And all in one container, which sure made Mom happy. I still remember the perky girls in the ads with there flip haircuts, mini skirts and Go-Go boots shaking it up to the tune of "Shake, Shake, Shake-a-Puddin'. Puddin-Puddin, Shake-a-Puddin' Mmmm- Mmmmm."

"Pop Tarts" and "Pizza Sticks"--Radically different, yet remarkably similar. When removed from five minutes in the toaster oven, the deceptive crusts of these two convenience pastries (no doubt fashioned of Asbestos) belied the seething molten centers lying just below. Unleashed on first bite their terrible powers inflicted scalding burns to lips, tongue and chin in varying degrees of severity.

"Instant Breakfast" and "Space Food Sticks"--The future was now with all the nutrients of a complete meal in one simple packet. These two products clearly showed the heavy influence of the era's fascination with our countries booming space program. Adding "Instant Breakfast" to a glass of milk miraculously gave one all the nutrition of... well, a glass of milk, while "Space Food Sticks", (if one could choke even one of the chalky, mealy, nasty things down), left one wondering if what our brave astronauts were really doing on those celestial strolls was stepping out for a bite to eat.

Whimsy:

"Twinkies"--Still a favorite lunch box treasure, over the years Twinkies have become somewhat of a junk food deity. Made of synthetic materials unknown to the common man, they continue to amaze me with their long-lasting appeal. Many have imitated the tiny twin creme filled sponge cakes, but no one has duplicated their popularity. What's in a name? Apparently plenty.

"Bomb Pops"--Popsicles in the shape of Inter-Continental Ballistic Missiles, usually portrayed in gradations of Red, White, and Blue. What more can be said. Thank God they're on our side.

"Jiffy Pop"--A throw back from the days when things moved so slowly that even making popcorn was a family event, "Jiffy Pop" was truly "The Magic Treat". As much fun to make as was to eat. Fun? Well, if you call scalding your hand as you shook an aluminum pan attached to a red hot wire loop handle over an open flame for what seemed like hours, while breathing in the acrid stench of burning oil and corn that filled the room then "Jiffy Pop" was the snack for you. Personally, I'll just throw a packet into the microwave '90s style.

"Slurpees"--Pink Fink, Red Eye and Bubble Gum joined more traditional flavors such as cola, cherry and lemon-lime in this frozen concoction named for the slurping sound the straw made as you got about 2/3 of the way through your drink. When introduced in 1965 there were 3 sizes, 10¢, 20¢, and 30¢. The 10¢ ones left you wanting more, the 20¢ ones got you hyper, and the 30¢ ones would instantly give your temples that familiar dull ache. The one you get from eating ice cream too fast.

"Treet"--strange, primary-colored syrup in clear plastic tubes that could be added to flavor and color water or milk. I suppose the makers of this product thought that blue, orange or green might make milk more alluring to the discriminating tot, but I found the stuff somewhat off-putting. The only color I wanted in my milk was the familiar brown of Quik, Bosco, Cocoa Marsh or Ovaltine.

"Funny Bones"--Known mostly to kids on the east coast, Drake's "Funny Bones" put a spin on the traditional "Twinkie" formula. These snack cakes were chocolate with a peanut butter creme in the middle, covered in a thin layer of milk chocolate. I don't know if these are still available but if they are, a person who had these in their possession could rule the world.

"Fizzies"--Effervescent tablets that, when dropped in a glass of water would create a fizzing carbonated beverage in flavors like black cherry, lemon-lime or cola. Caution! It is rumored that a boy in the mid-west once ingested a few of the tablets and then imbibed a glass of water at which point his stomach exploded. Remember to use "Fizzies" only as directed!

"1-2-3 Jell-O"--"Foam, Sauce and Jelly-Jammie" is the phrase that the television ads of the time used to describe the consistency of the three layers that formed as the blended gelatin parfait settled and congealed. I'd love to describe the flavor of the "Sauce" and the "Jelly-Jammie", but I never had the constitution to get past the foam. Sorry. I guess it's a mystery for the ages.

"Mr. Wiggle"--Jell-O for kids, in kid friendly, candy flavors like Lollipop Lime and the like. It seems that packaging was the only thing that differentiated "Mr. Wiggle" from just plain old Jell-O, sans sugar so what was the point? Today's "Jigglers" are actually Mr. Wiggle's direct descendants.

How wonderful it is to wistfully recall a time so innocent and full of fun! The tastes, the smells, the textures and colors that made our little hearts sing as we strolled the aisles of our neighborhood supermarkets with our loving, giving parents. Mom and Dad may never have fully understood our tiny desires in much the way we have trouble understanding the cravings of our own broods. And even though we are now so much more health and nutrition conscious in the 1990s than we were in the 1960s, I'm quite sure that future generations will look back on some of today's versions of the above, (and maybe some of the ones that are still available) with the same warmth and affection. I wonder what some of their choices for immortality will be. Time will tell. Until then........

"Back to the cupboard with ya now",

Dave Pruiksma